Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
