I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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