Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
