I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
