don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
