You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i drank out of a bidet.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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