I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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