TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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