Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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