dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the day after is always just damage control
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
