There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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