dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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