Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
