your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
