I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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