there's paper in my vomit.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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