Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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