I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
