Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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