i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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