I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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