My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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