went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have so many feelings about this burrito
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize