Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
