i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
