So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
