I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
