Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
