You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
