just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
