If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
