When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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