I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
