hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
