He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
