Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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