Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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