In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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