Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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