woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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