Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
