cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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