Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
