he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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