I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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