I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
