at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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