Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
