I wish I only lived at night.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
