Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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