I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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