if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
