Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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