just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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