I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
