How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
